The Altar of Bereavement

A thin veil hangs between Earth and Glory, where Everleigh now resides, and we as humans just don't know what to do in that space. The church sanctuary is just that--a solemn, safe place for mourners to gush and share in a way people can only do when heaven is that palpable. So we weep and ask questions, hug one another, beg God for His comfort and promise to hold our babies longer, love them better. It's holy ground, where families long separated sit side by side, forgiveness in their embraces, tear-filled eyes smiling understanding. Somewhere in the deep chasm of loss, love and healing emanate potential light. Eulogies are given and behind words of anguish and anger, is a thread of hope that somehow there's a reason for the seeming insanity of baby death. 

Rick (Grandpa) reads Everleigh's favourite bedtime story, as he would each night, but this time to us, the assembly of fellow grievers. As he turns each page and asks, "Is that my panda?" sobs fill his voice and he gazes at the tiny casket and closes with, "Goodnight, Monkey."  Karen (Grandma) eloquently and honestly lists the ways this small person has transposed her from a private person to one who is open and enraptured with life as she views it through the eyes of a near-toddler. No one doubts the unconditional love for this little being. Heather, her young mother, is calm and lovely and speaks with a desire for all of us to know her daughter more. She holds the hand of Everleigh's daddy, Andrew, as he cries into the microphone how he loved his girl. His mom and sisters encircle each other and express their hearts too in a cascade of sadness and tenderness for their lost baby. So much pain, adoration and hope, all mingling at the altar of bereavement. 

Then, love-brimming, sorrow-filled pallbearers lift the wee box that holds only the pretty shell of little Everleigh, knowing her soul is long gone, healed and free. Still, as they walk, the aching human heart can barely grasp that truth. Jesus Loves Me plays while the procession carries her out of that Holy Place. But the song is really for us, because we're left behind and so very much need to feel that, in the middle of all of this, Jesus loves us, that His plan still proceeds and that this terrible thing isn't unseen by Him. We need to know He hears the cry of His people and rushes to comfort. We need to feel His Spirit after we've left the Holy Place and we're floundering for answers and are tormented by heartache. We need to move on and choose joy when it seems right to remain broken--for her. 

The days will march on and my loved ones who held that giggling bundle with each rising and setting sun will clasp emptiness for awhile. It will take their breath away at times. Grief hurts. But Jesus was not unacquainted with sorrow and He will tangibly offer solace if we enter the Holy Place that becomes portable as we whisper-cry His name. And, one day, just as that precious baby girl sees Him face to face, we will too. Then we will know and understand what we couldn't possibly have comprehended in this earthly life. But for now, when sweeping answers won't suffice, it will only be the experience of real heart-mending Love that will be desperately sought. Love for Everleigh embodied every word and every song in the sanctuary. It was present because of the Love that was given at this very time of year. That Love now holds us close in our deepest mourning and helps us to enfold each other to restore joy once again.

all of us wearing purple clothing or tiny purple bows in honour and memory of Everleigh

balloons and beautiful large photos filled the sanctuary

Goodbye, Sweet Girl

Tiny Everleigh went to be with Jesus today. The injuries from the accident were too much for her little body to sustain. Her young momma remains on Earth but is also in the arms of Jesus because He promises to never leave her. Please lift up our family for comfort and peace in the days ahead.

Day Twenty-Seven: Miracles

You are the God who performs miracles;

You display you power among the peoples.

(Psalm 77:14)

The doctor told them their unborn son had severe hydrocephalus and would some suffer brain damage. They could clearly see with their own untrained eyes that he was correct. They rallied prayer partners and fervently lifted up their baby to the Lord for healing and received a peace that passes all understanding. They just knew he'd be okay. When Jaden was born, he was perfect. The tests they ran after his birth showed evidence of what would have been the sac where the swelling had been on his brain. The doctors were confounded. 

***

Marcus lay in a vegetative state in an astronaut-type suit as the physicians raised his temperature slowly as not to disturb his head. He had fallen down the stairs and smashed the back of his skull seven weeks after getting married. It was a true test of "for better or for worse" for his young wife. People prayed on every continent and much to the shock of the professionals who cared for him, he healed rapidly with no lasting damage to his brain.

***

After learning of the affair, people said she should leave her husband. She lay in fetal position day after day, eating nothing. When she mustered some strength, she turned to the Lord in prayer and begged for His intervention. The wholeness and love for her husband that resulted from deep intercession for her marriage was palpable. His commitment and affection returned and years later, they are helping separated couples fall in love again. 

***

She never had enough money for simple things like gas in her car. Her kids missed opportunities to go on special trips that their friends attended. But, when they were down to their last bag of milk or loaf of bread, she prayed and someone knocked on the door with a few bags of groceries. As years went by, mentors came alongside her children and offered to pay for camps and lessons. In hindsight, they could all see how prayer always rescued them in their most desperate moments. 

There are inexplicable happenings that can only be attributed to the outcome of petitioning a Heavenly Father. I've witnessed it myself and experienced healing in my own body directly after being prayed for. Jesus is alive and well and the miracles He performed on earth are still being accomplished today. God has been doing wonders since He created the world. Don't give up on prayer. My sister-in-law passed away after we prayed for years, but I'd just as zealously and faithfully pray for the next loved one. We don't know why the Lord chooses to cure some and not others in this life, but He promises one day they will surely be healed. Our joy and hope rests in the fact that my sister-in-law is with Jesus completely whole. Because He does heal many here, we must persevere and trust that what the Lord wills is exactly what is best. 

 Look-alike cousins

 found kitten--we gave him to a loving home

 first 5 minute piano lesson

Thank you for your patience, Mrs. Anger :)

Life Is A Vapour

It's still a mystery what happened during the accident. We've been at the hospital for several hours per day since Friday evening when we were told my mom had flipped her car and hit a pole--on the other side of the road. She has no recollection of it and the police report has not been seen by any of us yet. As a family, we are praising the Lord for the life of an amazing woman who was given more time with us.

When we arrived in the ER, we barely recognized our mom's face and we three sisters broke down. She broke her nose, fractured vertebrae in her neck, burst her L3 and L4 (they are now saying, possibly her ribs). She tore the inside of her arm open from elbow to knuckles and they spent hours in surgery cleaning grass, glass and dirt from it and repairing tendons and nerves. She is stitched in several places. She's in a lot of pain and I'm asking for prayer. I believe the Lord will heal completely and we're thankful there are no life-threatening injuries.

Exodus 15:26b "for I am the Lord who heals you."

Frayed Edges

I thought I'd stop breathing, that this kind of pain couldn't actually be lived through, only succumbed to. He knew better and since I'd been taught from birth to lean on Him, to give all the pain to Him, a tiny shaft of memory of this promise seered through the darkness as I wept. He took my frayed edges and sewed them up with His healing touch. He was the lifter of my head and now, in hindsight of that time, I can testify to the binding up of my broken heart.

Give Him your frayed edges, friends.

Gratitude on this sun-sparkling on the snow Monday:
642. how she bakes cookies with her friends, boys or girls
643. for how he watches Paul Washer sermons in bed on the laptop
644. sun breaking through clouds today
645. fresh laundry smell wafting from my folding area (one of my favourite smells)
646. a messy, soggy mudroom filled with winter wetness... sign of much outdoor fun
647. a king-sized bed when Littles need to squish in mid-night
648. re-reading old journal entries
649. being able to write PRAISE! over requests that were written in those entries!
650. praising for answers that weren't my idea of how they'd be answered (His ways are higher!)

651. Meredith Andrews' music--love her!
652. Sanctus Real's music--also good--loving skilled Christians using their gifts
653. new insights in the book of James (following this site for studying: http://www.goodmorninggirls.org/)
654. following Ann's videos on her book here: http://www.incourage.me/category/bloom
655. washing Molly's frayed and well-loved "blankie" that I quilted for her
656. the way my boy traces my face with his finger before I open my eyes in the morning
657. how we spent Family Day by switching half of our kids with half of their cousins on Terry's side--so fun!

Happy Family Day!

Who's Welcome Here?

Whom have you allowed to peek into your heart? Are you holding your friends at arm's length or are you drawing them into your "discomfort zone" by revealing who you truly are? Some of you have been burned. A friend has taken your vulnerability and gossiped to another... perhaps even a Christian friend. There's a friend who sticks closer than a brother, we read in Proverbs, and Jesus knows who we are and still loves us. He stands at our door and knocks, waiting for us to allow Him to come in.

But, He also wears skin. He left us with His Body; and His Spirit, as it resides in other Believers, becomes a comfort to us. God desired that we would lean on each other, bear one another's burdens, pray for one another. He desires that we dwell together in unity. If your little part of the Body has been severed, dare to trust again. It's God's will for you to open the door of your heart to His people. Pray that He would send you someone trustworthy to lean on. Pray for a mentor. These are His ideas for His children. That means when we pray for these things, we can know He'll answer in His timing. Be patient and lay down that wounded heart at Jesus' feet and begin again.

The Body

His Body prays and His people are healed. His Body encourages and hearts are mended. His Body works and His purposes are accomplished. His Body wrapped their arms around me this week and I felt Jesus.

I photographed this willow and thought how beautiful and delicate each little branch is, one of my favourite shrubs. I focused on one portion to study the intricacy and I wondered if anyone else would notice this one tiny part. Unlikely, but as part of the whole, it attracts attention and is useful for shade and reflects the loveliness of its Maker. The Body of Believers is like this. I've experienced true intimacy and healing through God's people. He's designed it this way. Dependence is God's desire. The Body hugs and lends a hand and I am nearer to His heartbeat.

It's Raining Over There

What a powerful sight it was, this shower of rain across the field. I became emotional as I watched the storm slowly move away from me and across farms to the east. I felt as if I were witnessing the release of the effect of pain. God demonstrated to me that in the spiritual realm, my life is in His hands. I can't always see the end of a problem, but He does. I don't always feel Him working in my situation, but He is. At that moment I realized that just as the storm was moving away from me God shelters me by separating me from my circumstances, not in an irresponsible way, but in a trusting way. I can have peace and calm in the midst of the storm. It was an objective lesson that He's in control and I can stop focusing on the details.

It's raining over there, but over here, this woman is basking in the comfort of His power.

Broken Hearts

They are there, everywhere I look--heartbroken women. If I don't actually speak with them, I see it in their eyes. Some of them laugh, hiding silent anguish, some of them can't help but wear it on their faces. These ones are done. Done with the hurt, done with the abuse, done with the loneliness, done with the pain. Some of them know the One who can help them, they've been brought up with this knowledge. Others don't understand why the people sitting in pews under tall steeples call Him, Lord.

Dear, precious woman, I am writing to tell you that God knows your name, He knows the number of hairs on your head, he is collecting your tears, He aches to heal you. Whether you've never known Him or you've turned a deaf ear because some hypocritical Christian tainted Him in your mind, reach out to Him. He is the One who created you and longs to have a relationship with you. He alone can fill the void inside, wash away the apathy, the hardness that you've built around your heart for protection. He will never fail you or betray you.

God is waiting for you to take a step toward Him. He's always been there. It's in taking that step, the one that releases your control of your life (as much as you feel out of control) to Him. Just talk to Him and tell Him you're done with the garbage you've been handed or the garbage you have gathered yourself. Tell Him you don't know what else to do and you need Him. Rest in Him. He'll give you the peace you've been longing for. As you begin to seek Him, the Bible says you will find Him. Then, He'll take those wounds and heal them and show you a way through the pain to the end of that long, dark tunnel.

Bless you on your journey. I know it works, dear Sister, I've been there too.

By His Stripes

The flavourless piece of cracker dissolves in my mouth as I examine my heart. I drink that which represents His sacrifice for me and my eyes glaze. I've been in this place of brokenness all weekend. Having just returned from the Women of Faith Conference the night before, I savour this moment with renewed passion.

Thousands of women sang, "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" and I had wept as we neared the lines,

"You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name"

Could I choose to bless Him and give thanks in all circumstances? The speakers who poured their hearts out and exposed their deepest and darkest places so that we might learn from them, chose to say, "blessed be the name..." How could they do it? Because they had encountered His great love.

I push the sweetness of the grape juice to the back of my mouth. This love is what I'm tasting: "But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Pastor reads the scriptures and he pauses partway, removes his glasses and wipes his tears. We are all broken. My eyes well up again. I survey this congregation of wounded people. Some rush toward the altar for prayer, others linger long and then hesitantly move forward, still others, pray from their seats, physically unable to go. But we all need His touch. His sacrifice and submission to the Father's will made it possible for us to kneel at the altar and receive restoration. Blessed be the name of the Lord, for by His stripes, we are healed.

Coming or Going?

Do you ever feel like this? Am I coming or am I going? Am I living in the will of God? Am I being all I am created to be? Do I even care right now as I struggle to merely survive? Carve out a piece of your day today to rest in Him. Allow him to fill you. Oh, how He desires to do this! It may not feel like it right now but you will more than survive; you will soar! He promises. Hold on, dear Sister, hold on to Him and He will never betray you, nor will He ever fail you.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

New Eyes

It's all a matter of how you look at it.

You may be able to see your glass as half full, which is positive thinking; but to have new eyes is the power of God in you. Tragic circumstances, betrayal and emotional pain can only be healed by a God who loves you more than you can imagine. He gives you new eyes to look at yourself and your situation. Sometimes you cannot change what has happened or what is happening in your life but your Heavenly Father can remove the sting of the pain and hide you in the shelter of His wings (Psalm 61:4). But there must first be a willingness to receive this love and healing. Part of that restoration sometimes comes through forgiveness.

Did you know that unforgiveness is a blockage to your healing? Ask the Lord today if there's anyone you need to forgive and then wait for Him to reveal that to you. Once He brings a name or names (including yourself) to your mind, forgive them out loud, by the act of your will. The feelings don't always follow immediately, but they will over time. Also, people don't always deserve your forgiveness but those feelings of resentment keep you in bondage. This is the beginning of the road to recovery. God will then give you new eyes to view your situation. How you look at yourself, others, and your circumstances is very instrumental in your healing.