This Journey: memories

We're trying not to burst with laughter as she obliges and repeats her counting. "Nine, ten, eleventeen..." It's her littleness that captures us every time. Even Oliver is giggling at Ashanti's mistakes while his juvenility was the one we were enamoured with only a few months before. (He'd rushed into the house exclaiming that I needed to get outside right away because Emily would become an endangered species if I didn't hurry! Apparently she was stuck in a tree and with all the learning we'd done about African animals, that terminology was the first thing that came to his mind concerning her safety.) Ashanti has returned to "one, two, three..." She finds more satisfaction in our amusement than the actual correctness of her task. Performance driven? Yes, she fits in quite well at our family dinner-table-stage. We drink in the sweet counting errors again with this entertaining, newly-turned-three year-old.

But, these days, as I tuck a little one in for afternoon naps, I also find myself in the passenger's seat while my oldest drives around town. I am the recipient of profound and wondrous gifts and it humbles me when I take a moment to dwell on it all. The famous and transitory "eleventeen" passed through each of our children's lips at one time or another but it's also this fragment in the puzzle of life at home for Meghan that is endangered. She reminds us with a smile that her time here is short before she's off in the big world, conquering dreams and living out God's purposes. We nod and smile back and refuse to pause too long on that subject. But I must pause. I must wrangle every memory and every prayer before five children at home becomes four and our present is extinguished like a flame. Littleness, bigness--it's all endangered because time is fleeting.

Gratitude is my heartbeat but I seek God to rescue my sometimes misaligned attitude and words. What is most important in this small window of my life? Am I modeling Jesus to my children? Thankfully, as He redeems me, I'm able to truly live like I love Him, which cages vulnerable times that might otherwise become threatened. No regrets is likely an impossible hope but redeemed moments are a promise from the One who gave the profound and wondrous gifts in the first place. And as this present era moves into a new and exciting epoch, I will praise Jesus for the opportunity to have joined Him in raising a few precious members of this generation.

December looked a little like this photo for me. I so desired to blog and catch up on recording our lives (it's a place I like to dump at the end of a day). But, alas, the busyness did get the better of me. The Lord and I have had some talks lately about how I let the Christmas season sweep away my joy for awhile. I ached for the Truth to flood our holiday time, for quiet Advent readings and children who willingly set aside their bickering and offered to lovingly pack the Christmas boxes for kids in need. When that wasn't happening perfectly, when the rehearsals and obligations and shopping robbed our time, I begged God to fast forward me to January. Sound negative? I'm ashamed to admit I didn't learn from last year and my attitude was often less than festive... less than godly. In reality, the Truth could have calmed my spirit and changed the atmosphere of my heart and home. I didn't allow it. I preferred the inner tantrum and complaining. It felt good to rant now and then. Kind of good. Not really.

Oh, but there were some glorious moments, like the laughter at the in-laws' dinner, the warmth of an open invitation for anyone to come to my mom's, the precious tiny person entrusted to us who relentlessly causes us to evaluate ourselves--and giggle hysterically. I aim to add the photos of some of those gifted moments below, but, I want to be clear to myself and to any reader, that our amazing Jesus, who came as a baby, lived, loved, healed, died and rose again for our eternal life is more than able to redeem lost Christmases. He alone can wipe away the icky humbug feeling and draw us again to His perfect peace.

I bought my Canadian friend, who lives in the U.S., a candle with the label, "Keep Calm, Eh?" She loved it since she's sprinkling her cottage in Canadian décor. It certainly made me think how simple the message truly is for the Believer: keep calm! Jesus offers peace to those who sit and ask and receive it without running off and absorbing all the demands and negativity and then wondering why He hasn't delivered. I'm stopping the crazy now and resting in Him. A little late for Christmas, but never too late for my life.

Gratitude (because thankfulness always results in joy):

1686. for nativity reminders like this camel and other animals at our nursery during the Christmas season

1687. for toddlers who are learning to share

1688. the way she loves the last of our Barbies

1689. the pancake audience

1690. for first snowballs

1691. finding lost items :)

1692. when the weather report says it'll all be gone tomorrow... we must build!

1693. for this book's inspiration

1694. the way she walks and walks, to keep up her strength, even if it hurts

1695. glorious snow!

1696. how she tries on every outfit, costume, tu-tu we own

1697. squeezing into one chair together

1698. impromptu selfies--constantly around here :)

1699. making winter memories for this tiny being

1700. weekly library visits

1701. how she thought I needed a new tea mug and took it into her own hands :)

1702. actually attaining that biggest of icicles

1703. new Sunday dress and her saying, "Oh! Tangtoo!" (thank you)

1704. bringing home other people's kids nearly every Sunday after church

1705. how she thinks she's so hysterically funny--she's right!

1706. giving her every little moment my own children enjoyed

1707. various ways for keeping little hands busy

1708. slumber parties with cousins

1709. the way they lovingly care for her and give me a break

1710. swimming lessons for homeschoolers during the day (Oliver's level using vests for rescue practice)

1711. how he takes pleasure in calming her with a bedtime story

1712. visit with Julie to growing Ali and her new little brother, Jonathan

1713. reunions with Mommy

1714. dinner out with my oldest girls

1715. how these three play hard, cry hard and love deeply

1716. how she loves to carry this little "sister" everywhere

1717. peeking at big sister's dance class through the window and how she tries to copy what she's seen

1718. smiles simply due to mutual love

1719. going many more times around when no one's there because you're the owner's son :)

1720. how she's waited for this moment since riding in the summer

1721. yelling to our girls as they happily jumped and danced in the parade for two hours

1722. how she found him--when I had no intention of finding him--and leaped into his arms

1723. how I returned to this after taking a break from looking for that perfect item

1724. the way we snuggle more when we're all sick (and that face behind)

1725. dropping her off for the youth retreat and how excited she was

1726. for future staff :)

1727. for great youtube videos in dealing with this crazy, beautiful hair

1728. for this concert that made it feel a little bit like Christmas

1728. how he fell off the couch and stayed asleep

1730. the way she delicately placed the ornaments rather than the usual toddler way

1731. finally getting the tree up (later than usual)

1732. attending her short film premiere downtown

1733. another year of the great-aunts' and uncles' reading The Night Before Christmas and signing their name to the inside cover

1734. finding pics like this one on my phone

1735. Meg's guy friends from church and their respectful, helpful, worshipful qualities

1736. Meg's girlfriends from church and their fun-loving, loyal, encouraging qualities

1737. how he still wraps up homemade things and how she's still excited to receive them

1738. windy December walks

1739. how this one is growing up quickly after a lovely late blooming time (both gifts)

1740. building together

1741. how he brought home gifts for all of us after his trip

1742. and how she carried hers around for a long time and shoved everything she could fit in there

1743. yearly photo holding stockings knit by Great-Mama

1744. soon-to-be sisters-in-law and how our nephew proposed by her dad's grave, recording him asking for her hand (all of us in tears during the story)