The Altar of Bereavement

A thin veil hangs between Earth and Glory, where Everleigh now resides, and we as humans just don't know what to do in that space. The church sanctuary is just that--a solemn, safe place for mourners to gush and share in a way people can only do when heaven is that palpable. So we weep and ask questions, hug one another, beg God for His comfort and promise to hold our babies longer, love them better. It's holy ground, where families long separated sit side by side, forgiveness in their embraces, tear-filled eyes smiling understanding. Somewhere in the deep chasm of loss, love and healing emanate potential light. Eulogies are given and behind words of anguish and anger, is a thread of hope that somehow there's a reason for the seeming insanity of baby death. 

Rick (Grandpa) reads Everleigh's favourite bedtime story, as he would each night, but this time to us, the assembly of fellow grievers. As he turns each page and asks, "Is that my panda?" sobs fill his voice and he gazes at the tiny casket and closes with, "Goodnight, Monkey."  Karen (Grandma) eloquently and honestly lists the ways this small person has transposed her from a private person to one who is open and enraptured with life as she views it through the eyes of a near-toddler. No one doubts the unconditional love for this little being. Heather, her young mother, is calm and lovely and speaks with a desire for all of us to know her daughter more. She holds the hand of Everleigh's daddy, Andrew, as he cries into the microphone how he loved his girl. His mom and sisters encircle each other and express their hearts too in a cascade of sadness and tenderness for their lost baby. So much pain, adoration and hope, all mingling at the altar of bereavement. 

Then, love-brimming, sorrow-filled pallbearers lift the wee box that holds only the pretty shell of little Everleigh, knowing her soul is long gone, healed and free. Still, as they walk, the aching human heart can barely grasp that truth. Jesus Loves Me plays while the procession carries her out of that Holy Place. But the song is really for us, because we're left behind and so very much need to feel that, in the middle of all of this, Jesus loves us, that His plan still proceeds and that this terrible thing isn't unseen by Him. We need to know He hears the cry of His people and rushes to comfort. We need to feel His Spirit after we've left the Holy Place and we're floundering for answers and are tormented by heartache. We need to move on and choose joy when it seems right to remain broken--for her. 

The days will march on and my loved ones who held that giggling bundle with each rising and setting sun will clasp emptiness for awhile. It will take their breath away at times. Grief hurts. But Jesus was not unacquainted with sorrow and He will tangibly offer solace if we enter the Holy Place that becomes portable as we whisper-cry His name. And, one day, just as that precious baby girl sees Him face to face, we will too. Then we will know and understand what we couldn't possibly have comprehended in this earthly life. But for now, when sweeping answers won't suffice, it will only be the experience of real heart-mending Love that will be desperately sought. Love for Everleigh embodied every word and every song in the sanctuary. It was present because of the Love that was given at this very time of year. That Love now holds us close in our deepest mourning and helps us to enfold each other to restore joy once again.

all of us wearing purple clothing or tiny purple bows in honour and memory of Everleigh

balloons and beautiful large photos filled the sanctuary

Day Twenty-Seven: Miracles

You are the God who performs miracles;

You display you power among the peoples.

(Psalm 77:14)

The doctor told them their unborn son had severe hydrocephalus and would some suffer brain damage. They could clearly see with their own untrained eyes that he was correct. They rallied prayer partners and fervently lifted up their baby to the Lord for healing and received a peace that passes all understanding. They just knew he'd be okay. When Jaden was born, he was perfect. The tests they ran after his birth showed evidence of what would have been the sac where the swelling had been on his brain. The doctors were confounded. 

***

Marcus lay in a vegetative state in an astronaut-type suit as the physicians raised his temperature slowly as not to disturb his head. He had fallen down the stairs and smashed the back of his skull seven weeks after getting married. It was a true test of "for better or for worse" for his young wife. People prayed on every continent and much to the shock of the professionals who cared for him, he healed rapidly with no lasting damage to his brain.

***

After learning of the affair, people said she should leave her husband. She lay in fetal position day after day, eating nothing. When she mustered some strength, she turned to the Lord in prayer and begged for His intervention. The wholeness and love for her husband that resulted from deep intercession for her marriage was palpable. His commitment and affection returned and years later, they are helping separated couples fall in love again. 

***

She never had enough money for simple things like gas in her car. Her kids missed opportunities to go on special trips that their friends attended. But, when they were down to their last bag of milk or loaf of bread, she prayed and someone knocked on the door with a few bags of groceries. As years went by, mentors came alongside her children and offered to pay for camps and lessons. In hindsight, they could all see how prayer always rescued them in their most desperate moments. 

There are inexplicable happenings that can only be attributed to the outcome of petitioning a Heavenly Father. I've witnessed it myself and experienced healing in my own body directly after being prayed for. Jesus is alive and well and the miracles He performed on earth are still being accomplished today. God has been doing wonders since He created the world. Don't give up on prayer. My sister-in-law passed away after we prayed for years, but I'd just as zealously and faithfully pray for the next loved one. We don't know why the Lord chooses to cure some and not others in this life, but He promises one day they will surely be healed. Our joy and hope rests in the fact that my sister-in-law is with Jesus completely whole. Because He does heal many here, we must persevere and trust that what the Lord wills is exactly what is best. 

 Look-alike cousins

 found kitten--we gave him to a loving home

 first 5 minute piano lesson

Thank you for your patience, Mrs. Anger :)

Truth Intravenous

I hook up to the Truth Intravenous early in the morning. The words of Jesus course through my veins and remind me where I've come from and where I'm going. They are life and liberty, love and healing, inspiration and hope for a new day. In a week where I've been drained of energy, my patience has been more than tested, and twisted philosophies attempt to inject the port-line to my heart, I return to the Truth I.V. for a recharge. Then, as the day wears on and I encounter toxic contagions that bring my spirit down, it can only be temporary because the Holy Spirit whispers the anti-biotic I so desperately need...and I receive it.

Gratitude:

1839. this colour--all summer long

1840. the way they slowly and (im)patiently worked out a little song together--a first!

1841. driving with this kid and laughing together at her first drive-through

1842. her buddies and how they love her

1843. these two besties and how they are still little enough to mostly parallel play

1844. waking up to this scene (as they watch a movie together on a Saturday morning) 

1845. helping to decorate my nephew's wedding in our greenhouses

1846. how she fell asleep during the ceremony

1847. how Jenna's brothers checked out the groomsmen to the Mission Impossible soundtrack before she came down the aisle--all of us roaring with laughter!

1848. Mr. and Mrs.

1849. welcoming you to our crazy family, Jenna! Yep, you already fit in :)

1850. the way he carried his bride and swung her around

1951. getting roasted at the reception and taking it like a pro

1952. the way my sister-in-law makes everything she touches beautiful

1953. how she can be transferred and still sleep--none of our kids could!

 1954. lighting sparklers and creating more cousin memories

1955. all these amazing kiddos at Linda's memorial birthday party

1956. celebrating her life with fireworks once again

1957. all of us missing her and grateful for the years we were gifted after her diagnosis

1958. writing messages in memory of Linda on paper lanterns

1959. the way my brother-in-law, Martin (Linda's husband), is always the go-to man for fireworks and lantern launching

1960. sending them up and watching the beauty of light in the sky--whispering (a few more) goodbyes and see-you-soons

1961. when Grandpa gets into the food

Truth I.V.: gratitude glorifies God and God deserves the glory!

And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, Luke 17:15

May I always remember to glorify You with my thanksgiving, Lord.

Remembering Linda

The sky was cerulean and a light breeze blew through our hair as we stood huddled under the towering oak by Linda's grave. The pastor spoke words of hope and encouraged us to lean into God and each other in the coming days. I glanced around at hands held and bodies close and knew that his exhortation would be an easy continuation for us. Pastor Paul held his Bible open, the source of wisdom for each one of us in attendance, including my dear sister-in-law. He breathed Psalm 46 like it was life--and it was. I lifted my eyes to the playground just beyond the fence where we were posed. It was so still and quiet. The only sound was birdsong, the gentle swishing of leaves above and the occasional sniffle of thankful but grieving family members. The playground... how fitting. Linda was such a playful person. I couldn't remember one family gathering where she wasn't laughing or telling a funny story or someone else was telling of some joke she'd played on an unsuspecting soul. I found out later that others were looking to that playground with these same thoughts.

I wondered how anyone could survive the devastation of cancer and all it robs us of without knowing the loving arms of God surrounding them; the Creator whispering hints of home. I wished there was a person in the park to hear these words of comfort, someone who needed it perhaps even more than we did. Within a minute, a mom with her toddler arrived and quietly played while our tiny ceremony carried on. I couldn't help but think that one precious life had just left this world and that little girl was just entering. I lifted her and her momma up in prayer. 

The pastor concluded with verse 10 of that Psalm and I quoted with him in my mind, "Be still and know that I am God." That's exactly what we were all doing, I was sure. We began to sing the Doxology, and as our voices floated through that lovely cemetery overlooking the playground, we laid astilbe stems on Linda's casket, and I was overwhelmed by how much God was sustaining our family. 

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;    

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. 

We walked back to our vehicles a little sadder, since this part of the day is always the most difficult. Linda knew this and so she made certain in her long notes about her funeral, that we'd end with a celebration, not the burial. Sustaining grace once again.

Not long after, we settled in reserved pews at the front of the church for the service. We took up six rows with the size of our family--blessings in numbers. Several of us from the family sang, "Your Love Never Fails" by Chris Tomlin, on the stage. My brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece sang, "I Am Not Alone" by Kari Jobe. Linda's siblings shared humorously about growing up with their sister, and her children lovingly related stories of their mother with their dad standing beside them. Those brave, funny and sweet kids drew tears to my eyes. Pastor Paul spoke again and compared our sorrow to that of the storm Jesus' disciples had experienced in their boat. He began to tell of Jesus' power to calm the wind and waves and in that very moment, like a real object lesson straight from heaven, torrential rains pounded the roof of the church. Thunder roared out of nowhere and was suddenly gone as he counseled us to trust the Lord with our lives. Many were moved at the timing of it all. 

Hugs were abundant these past few days. Three well-attended visitations and a funeral later, we'd been squeezed by a lot of caring and prayerful people. More words of wisdom, more faith, more hope, more assurance. As I ravenously gobbled up a sandwich after the service, my eyes feasted on the gift of community lavished on us. I'd married into the Dutch world and it initially took some getting used to. Nearly twenty-one years later, I do nothing but praise God for this hard-working, dependable group who never drop the ball when it comes to love and support. The Lord has rewarded their faithfulness to Him with a strength of spirit and a certainty of His reality. I'm grateful to be one of them, doing my best to dote on my grieving brother-in-law and his children, and my parents-in-law. And more hugs abounding.

I held my girl on my lap and talked about death and hope and the joy of heaven. She understood that the coming days would be the tough ones for Aunt Linda's immediate family... resuming life as usual... kind of. She quite decidedly announced she was going to fast for her cousins so that they would be okay and happy. I told her that was a very loving thing to do for them and that I know God will answer her prayers because that's His desire for them too. And as days turn into years, I will keep the memory of my beautiful sister-in-law alive and remind my children about her hilarious personality and how we loved her. I will tell them how our gracious God granted us four years with her after her initial diagnosis of stage four cancer. And they will remember how God gave them an aunt they'll never forget. 

 Hanging together at the funeral home.

Practicing our song.

Waiting for a cue from Terry, who was playing the piano.

Watching the beautiful video of photos of Linda growing up, getting married, having children and living life.

Linda's two sisters xo

Cousins make everything less difficult.

Linda's two sisters xo

 Saying goodbye.

Rubber chicken on her casket? Yep, her kids knew her well :)

Sibling speech--funny, real, and loving.

 Found a crazy bunch of kids at the funeral :)

Bailey's sweet supporters.

 Post-funeral family time. Always laughing, even through the sadness.

 More amazing family.

 God is sustaining our joy and giving peace. May He be felt among us and through us in the difficult days to come.

(The Scripture that comforted Linda in her last months...)

Jesus said to her, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die, and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die. Do you believe this?"
John 11:25,26

In The Thick Of It

Heaven--where every tear will be wiped away, all pain will be gone, all sorrow removed from us. My husband and I are in the throes of loving people through marital separation, depression, anger, sickness, disease, addictions, imprisonment, and recently finding out about adultery. We love so deeply and have prayed for the opportunity to minister. We've been through so much ourselves that we are passionate about helping our brothers and sisters-in-Christ.

But, there are days when we long for heaven more than other days. We can't fix them! Oh, how we want to wash it all away for our fellow sojourners, for ourselves! We can only lead them to the One who can, the One Who will forever, some day. We intercede, we meet, we advise, we receive, we pick ourselves up off the ground, we love. Praise God for mentors who lavish their wisdom on us so that we in turn, can share how Jesus has yanked us from the miry clay. We're so thankful to be in the thick of it... anything else would be a waste of time.

Day Twenty-Five (of 31 Days)

A frail and lovely man who was strong in spirit and in his love for the Lord, drew as close to God as he could last night. Elwood Holloway, Grandpa and Great-Grandpa took his last breath at ninety-one years of age and is in the presence of His Saviour.

Just imagine it! Imagine a life that has walked with God, trained his children and grandchildren to follow Him as well, leaving a legacy, now joins his wife in heaven. This tender-hearted farmer bowed his head at a moment's notice to lift up his loved one's before this God he now embraces. How difficult it can be, at times, to draw close here on earth but still, rewarding. Picturing it from Elwood's perspective now... oh, the elation! So, imagine your God today, dear friends, when you come before Him. Picture the reality of who He is and what will be at the end of your journey here on earth. Draw close today with that in mind.

The Way To Heaven

"Where is heaven, Mommy?" He stops me in my tracks. How do I explain something to a three year-old that I don't quite grasp myself. He arranges his fuzzy, blue blanket into a lump and continues, "Can we go in the airplane to get there?"

"No, Babe," I reply, "The pilot doesn't know where heaven is, so he can't take us there."

He doesn't skip a beat, "We should go in a rocket ship because they're really fast!" I laugh and slip his favourite truck t-shirt over his head and pull him in close.

"There's only one way to get to heaven." And I begin to share the gospel with my own son. "Jesus takes us there. It's His secret place. We don't know where it is exactly, but He's shown us what we need to do to so we can see Him there one day." Oliver knows about living for Jesus and so I remind him about making good and obedient choices to make his heart and life a beautiful place for God to dwell in. He gets this concept somehow, and feels satisfied with our dialogue. "Guess who else we'll see in heaven?" I ask with a twinkle in my eye.

"Great-Mama and Grampie!" he enthusiastically replies and he wraps his arms around my neck.

Tears sting and my nose tingles and I grip that boy's tiny body in a long embrace. He lets me hold him, as we experience mutual emotion. I whisper, "I miss Great-Mama and Grampie."

And he whispers back, "I do too."

Then, we talk about what he can do today to make his heart a beautiful place for Jesus and I share what I think I can do to make good choices too and we pray there together, holding hands. And I feel in that moment that heaven is closer than ever.

The Hope Of The Cross

He willingly hung battered and bruised so that

these precious people...

would one day see Him face to face!

Only their bodies lie here. They are both in heaven with the One who was resurrected. He's coming again and we will all join each other as we finally leave this imperfect world for the place He's prepared for us!