Day Twenty-One: Unanswered Prayers

Country singer, Garth Brooks twangfully mourned that his earnest plea to make a beautiful girl his own went ignored by God. Later in life, as he appreciated the gift of his wife, he understood the bigger plan that was accomplished to protect him from second best and how everything worked out just as it should. He ended by thanking the Lord for unanswered prayers. If only we could see all of our seemingly disregarded requests from tomorrow's rooftop. But since we don't get to know the future, we must trust that God has our best interests in mind. That all those desires don't go without a reply, but sometimes a "not yet" or even a "no" for our own good. 

It's important to look at some reasons the Bible gives for God being silent at certain times in our lives. Because we can't calculate the reason perfectly for every instance, we need to whittle down the possibilities so we can be sure we're living according to God's Word. First and foremost, God is Lord and we've been given finite minds that cannot fully comprehend His breadth. However, we can do our best to align ourselves with His will. How do we know His will? By reading His Word. It's impossible to be reading daily and not come across Scriptures that demonstrate what God yearns for of us and what he abhors. 

The Bible clearly states, "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures." (James 4:3) Do you have poor intentions? Can you be honest with yourself?Another reason for unanswered prayer is the verse in Psalm 66:18 that challenges us to play a game of introspection: "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear." Is there someone you haven't forgiven? Is there some constant sin you keep returning to? We all sin every day but if we live in sin, we block God's response to our prayers! How sad! And we blame Him for not caring! It's like a brash teenager who smashes up the car more than once, is unremorseful and then doesn't understand why we don't just hand over the keys the next time they beg to go out.

Yet, if the Holy Spirit is not revealing anything in particular to you that needs change, consider the possibility that there's an intricate design being painted on the canvas of your life. God sees the end product in all its glory. You must trust that the Master Artist will complete what He began in you. Job and the blind man (John 9:1-3) testify the trials that happened in their lives were not a result of sin, but to glorify God. Honestly, I'd really like for the Lord to share the exact colours, textures and shapes on my canvas, but if He doesn't, I'll do my best to be thankful that He takes joy in working on the masterpiece of my life. And any unanswered prayers? I pray patience and trust will lead my doubts, my emotions, and my prayers.

Day Twenty-Five: Homeschooling With Exceptionalities

Does there sometimes seem to be an extra measure of grace and patience allocated to particular mommas? If that were true, then my dear friend Betty is a recipient. I know that the Lord doesn't have favourites but if anyone is capable of that which makes the average woman shake her head, it's Betty. We met when we were in primary school and we've been together through thick and thin, remaining close through parenting struggles and now homeschooling. This friend teaches me so much. I thought I'd interview her to give you a glimpse into how she homeschools children with exceptionalities. I'll let her explain...

 

How many children do you have and how many are homeschooled? 

 

I have 5 children and presently only 2 are homeschooled.  I have been homeschooling for 5 years now.

Year 1,  I had my 2 youngest in pre k level and my oldest in grade 4.

Year 2, I had my oldest in grade 5 and my 2 youngest in kindergarten level.

Year 3, my oldest was home in grade 6 level, and my second oldest was home at grade 3 level (according to the school board) but she could not accomplish grade 1 level curriculum that I had purchased for my youngest children.

Year 4, my oldest was at home working on his grade 7 level, my second oldest was home in grade 4 - working at level 1/2 and my middle child was also in grade 4 at home working at level 2.

Year 5, my second oldest is home in grade 5 working at level 1/2 and my middle child is home in grade 5 working at level 2/3.

 

Phew! When did you begin homeschooling and did you always know it would be the right choice for your family?

I never dreamed I would educate any of my children at home, but as a parent when I saw my children floundering in the school system I had to step up.  I tried every avenue to keep them in the system, it was a full time job being at the school advocating for my 3 oldest children. Meanwhile, I had 2 young children still at home.  We prayed constantly for guidance - then we just had to take the leap of faith that it would be the right decision to educate from home.

 

 

What are the specific needs of your children? How do you modify curriculum for them and is it important to you to keep them at their "grade level" or is it okay to use one that is geared for younger/older students?

When my second oldest was born we were told she has " fetal hypoxia", which is lack of oxygen to the brain, during her delivery. We were told she wouldn't walk or talk - she does both and is our daily reminder of God's awesomeness in our lives. That being said she is not without challenges. /The bruise on her brain has left her with great learning difficulties. As she gains new skills previously learned skills can slip away, for example, toileting, in relation to life skills and addition moving on to subtraction, in relation to academics.  Both my 2 oldest girls also have a genetic syndrome that shows itself in their lives as autism.  This is a very broad term and no child is alike, but exceptionalities must be made.
 

It is very hard to educate either daughter.  My first full year teaching them was their grade 4 year.  I purchased grade 3 curriculum from "Sonlight" with grade 2 readers.  This was absolute torture for me.  Besides being a fabulous curriculum for my son- he flew through the curriculum - I naively thought just getting 1 grade lower in readers and my girls would be good to go.  Reading and comprehension just were a no-go.  I had to do better for them.  

I found "FIAR" books and lap books- my 10 year old daughter loved listening to "Warm as Wool" book and I helped them make little lap books with vocabulary words.  In my mind we were taking forever with this one book, but after 1 month she could tell me about about the book.  Yeah!!!

This year I wanted them to read more "chapter" looking books ( my need, not theirs).  I came across Pathway readers.  They both are reading at grade 2 level ( beginning).  They do read these aloud to me and then we do comprehension together, but I have to model how to read for them.  Reading is just words on a page to them.  When I read to them they hear a story and how to use expression.
Currently my 11 year old daughter loves reading, "llama llama" books.  We have read them so often I enjoy hearing her "read with expression".  We are not at a point yet where she understands that words rhyme but she obviously feels the beat of the story.  

Keeping your child at grade level for their age doesn't help anyone.  My son was doing grade 9 level work at grade 7 age just to keep him happy and progressing.  My daughters are doing grade 1/2 level at grade 5, 6 age.  I would absolutely love to wake up one day and give my daughters their grade for their age and them be successful at it- don't we all want that for our children, but until then I have to take one day at a time and may have to repeat the same math page 10 times before they can fully understand what's going on and I can move on.  That is the beauty of home education, I have the ability of time, and I care enough to take the time.
 

What does a typical day look like for you and how does homeschooling fit into your schedule?

 

Every day is marked out the exact same, and yet depending on mood and behaviours every day is different.  Each school day we begin by journaling we move into English and then math.  Afternoons are for art science and nature studies.  If you have ever watched the movie "50 First Dates", that is what it is like to teach my oldest daughter. Every day she writes in her journal, everyday it reads the same.  I now write on the white board - today you will use the word "but" in a sentence, just to change it up.

 

What are a few pieces of advice you'd give to moms of students with learning challenges?
 

My advice is pray!  And have lots of patience!  I have to put reminders (yellow sticky notes) for myself all through my house and in my car- show grace, be patient, use a quiet voice, be humble.

You have to do what's best for your child, family, and marriage, and that may change all the time ( and that's okay).  A dear friend of mine said both she and her husband had to decide, "Are we going to be a homeschool family or not? If the answer is yes, then we homeschool. No more 'should we's'." 

For us and many families that are raising children with exceptionalities we want to do what's best for our child and that may change in an instant.

Look at the big picture, especially on a hard day, look how far they have come.  Don't get bogged down by the details. Turns out I'm the one learning every day!  

 

Will you homeschool your other children in the future?

 

You never know!  But what a blessing it has been!

Do you have any concluding thoughts?

Even though they have special needs that can be very frustrating, they have the happiest most innocent smiles, and they are so blissfully unaware of the drama that other kids carry around- I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to raise these precious children and I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

Thank you so much, Betty for willingly sharing your journey. God bless you immensely, my friend!

 

Day Twenty-Four: Sibling Rivalry In Your Homeschool

"This is the worst day of my life!" she seethed and flopped like a sack of potatoes on my lap. I looked up at the clock. It was barely 8:30 a.m.

 

"Wow, Babe," I teased. "This day hasn't even begun and it's most notably the worst of all your eight years?"

 

"It's just that SHE did that thing to me again!" She draped herself upside down over the back of the couch.

 

"What thing would that be?" I asked, pulling her back down to face me.

 

"You know, Mommy, I've told you before... you know when she touches me with the hairbrush when I'm trying to brush my teeth! I can't stand it! She knows I hate it and I even said, STOP! She didn't listen and then I had to poke her with my toothbrush. Now she's crying in her bedroom when she's the one who started it. She's so mean!"

 

Now, some good mommas out there might gently take their girl by the hand and walk her to her sister's bedroom to have a sensible discussion about the matter. I, however, was not about to begin my day with such obnoxious drama. So I did what came to my mind immediately and I grounded both of them with a one-liner and that was the end of it. Not one of my finer parenting moments.

 

Although all children argue and it's normal for disagreements to arise between siblings, one child generally feels powerful in the fight, and the other, bullied. Although they think it's their right to harshly voice opinions in anger, they're most often left feeling despondent and having damaged their sibling. Since the Bible says, "Do everything without complaining and arguing," (Philippians 2:14) we need to take fighting seriously. And because Proverbs 18:17 says, "In a lawsuit (or tattling of a sibling) the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines," we need to be careful how we judge matters with our kids. And because Hebrews 12:11 says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on , however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it," we need to protect brothers and sisters by terminating unkindness.

 

I'd like to write about how beautifully amicable it is around here all the time, however, I would be doing myself and you a great disservice. How else do we learn about dealing with the issues of life without dialoguing with one another and being honest? If I let you believe it was gloriously tolerant in our home every moment, you might pull your kids out of school and start home educating, deciding that it must be the great cure for what ails your family. Or, worse, you might never attempt homeschooling, believing you could never be as perfect as the families you read about. I'm here to tell you, our family is normal (sometimes :) and children argue and boy, is it over nothing most days. When you're home all the time, you see your family's sin up close and personal. Other people take their sin to work or school with them and have a break from their family's for a time. But home, yep, that's where we all get to be our ugliest selves.

 

So, what do you do when you have multiple children who are related and who share space for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week? By now, if you've been reading my homeschooling posts, you'll know that I rely on  prayer a lot. I'm whispering to God all day long because I know He's a capable problem solver. When I'm willing to listen (and not just jabber on to Him), He gives me wisdom in dealing with the kids. Usually, if  I sense that their arguing is a momentary dialogue that seems like it will quickly end with a solution, I allow it--as long as it doesn't escalate into meanness. Our home must be a safe place for hashing things out--in a productive manner. Sometimes things can get heated, but harmful is not allowed. God also places great mentors in my life to aid me in parenting through rivalry. Besides some wonderful people in my close circles, I've been inspired by families such as the Duggars, who have influenced two areas I'm working on. First, these parents try to praise ten times more than they correct and second, they foster a team spirit with their children. When you're a team, everyone wins when someone is choosing good and everyone suffers when someone is doing wrong. So then, that child must be encouraged by the others to do what is right. If you ask my children about the family as a team they'll be able to tell you it is our goal. Like the very human Duggars though, we don't always adhere to it at every turn. However, setting the standard of being a cohesive team and prayer are great first steps.

 

An example of how teamwork training has played out in our home: a sibling dawdled at getting her boots on and Sister stooped to help and bolstered the motivation of the younger one. Another example that happened recently: I left the schoolroom, started for the stairs and I overheard one child whisper, "Be quiet and do your work so she can see we're doing a good job when she gets back!" I paused on the step and praised God because I see glimpses of this training paying off. It's wonderful when you observe your children getting it. (I can't imagine how God feels when I finally learn something He's been trying to teach me!) I'll be honest, I've been downright embarrassed when my children have displayed behaviour that looked very little like the goals we've set. But, I love how Michelle Duggar has responded when TLC captured her kids fighting and then tried to "trap" her into unease. She sweetly laughed and said that her children were still in training and that they were behaving like adults might like to but have the maturity not to. Oh, the grace!

 

Besides being naturally inclined to sin, one contribution to sibling rivalry is the exposure to it on television and in movies. Lately, for our weekly family night, we've played movies where siblings exhibited less than loving behavior and words to one another. Much to our kids' dismay, we've turned the videos off and explained that if we don't condone those actions at home, why would we fill our heads with others demonstrating them? Our goal is to encourage and help each other with kind words but it's amazing how quickly those influences seep in and then I'm hearing the same phrases and name-calling in their disagreements. Another contribution is watching their mother. How many times have I heart my impatient, angry tone spew out of a small person's lips to their younger sibling? Too many to count! Modeling gentleness and a soft answer to their father, to the telemarketer on the phone and to them, is more persuasive than all other of their examples.

 

 

As a result of homeschooling, I believe, our family has come to love and respect each other more than if we were apart. I mentioned in an earlier post that my children call out that they love each other as they fall asleep in their beds. They stick up for one another (most of the time) when they witness one being bullied in a group and they don't like watching each other receive discipline. I remind them always that they truly are each other's best friends since they see each other the most. When everyone else is busy or gone, they will still have each other. Training children to serve one another in love takes prayer, teamwork, time and mentorship. I'm so thankful that I'm able to utilize these days at home to instill this in my kids as the Lord teaches me.  

 

Day Twenty: Patience In Homeschooling

"I'm going straight into that principal's office tomorrow and signing you up immediately! If you're going to disrespect me as your teacher one more time, I will have no other choice. Try that at school and see what happens! They won't take kindly to all that mouthiness, I promise you!" I raged, looming over her with hands on my hips.

 

My girl stood with big brown eyes like saucers, confounded by the sight before her. She was suddenly quiet as she gazed upon her mother having the same tantrum she had just displayed. Her shoulders slumped and she looked down at the floor. "I don't want to go to school, Mommy," she cried.

 

My muscles loosened and I sighed. In that moment, I realized I had lost my patience over a ready bomb that could have been deactivated in a much different way. Shame crept over me as every moment I had lost my cool raced through my mind. I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her. "I love teaching you, Babe, I really do. I just want you to remember to honour Mommy, as the Bible says, and obey the rules of our homeschool. Will you forgive me for being so impatient?" Through her tears she gazed up at me, still frowning.

 

"Okay (sniff)." And she buried her head in my sweater.

 

Patience is a daily request I make to the Lord. But because His Spirit is resident in me, and He is all-patient, I have the ability to exhibit patience to my children. I am not helpless. I am not left without a way out of the temptation to lose it. (I Corinthians 10:13) I am responsible, and capable, to obey and be long-suffering as Jesus exemplified. He said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." (John 14:15, 16) Thankfully, when I fail, the Holy Spirit rescues me every time as He is my "Helper". He knows my heart and that I desperately desire to raise my children experiencing this beautiful fruit of the Spirit in me. I want a soft answer to be so normal in our home that they are surprised when they see impatient behaviour. (Proverbs 15:1) I know that my greatest weapon against impatience is communing daily with the Giver of this fruit. (Psalm 27--amazing! Galatians 5:25) I see such a difference in my responses to my children and husband when I do.

 

 

After posting yesterday's writing about roadblocks to homeschooling, I thought about how impatience is likely the next biggest concern for mothers. They fear they won't have enough patience to deal with their children by educating them and being with them all day long. Well, they're absolutely correct--they won't, and I don't either. However, just as we rely on God to provide financially and to turn the hearts of our husbands, we trust that if He's leading us to this calling, He'll provide the patience when we ask. It doesn't mean we won't make mistakes, but we will grow in Him and get a little closer to the way His Son lived and was an example for us. Psalm 103 speaks of God's great long-suffering with us and that He doesn't punish us according to what we deserve. Since patience is directly related to mercy and we have been shown unfathomable mercy in our lives, we remind ourselves that we must have mercy on our children when they are behaving or learning in way that is frustrating to us. We have the ability to have patience in our homeschooling when God is the One who leads us.

 

 

Gratitude:

 

1514. for the unbelievable mercy God grants me each day

1515. the news Linda received that the plate in her head will be operated on to be fixed

1516. that Kim began her treatments and is on the road to healing (believing!)

1517. for another birthday for my two January kiddos!

1518. for a continued love of homeschooling even in our eighth year

1519. for the readers of this blog who let me know once in awhile that they're "tuned in"--thank you!

1520. how gratitude really does change hearts and minds and bring joy to your life

1521. for intimate conversations with my big girl
1522. how he often says out of the blue, "I love you, Mommy."

 

 

Day Four: Teach Them Diligently

The kettle boils and I walk with my tea to the laundry room where I fold a load. The phone rings and although I've made a resolution not to answer after 8:30 a.m., I pick it up anyway. The person on the other end is crying and I'm drawn in and the kids are taking turns riding by me on the Lil Tykes grocery cart. I'm calling to them to quiet down. I cover the phone and blast them through a huge breath, "Shouldn't you be doing your math?" I have a knot in my gut as I'm pulled in two different directions. That nagging, guilty feeling rises upward, suffocating me and I realize this has happened a couple of days in a row... and, I hadn't met with the Lord that morning either--tell-tale signs of that one happening all over the place.

By lunchtime, there are still two kids in pyjamas and one can't find her spelling book. I'm losing my patience and that friend on the phone--well, she's on her way over for more support. I'm bustling around tidying up and promising myself tomorrow will be better.

  

By evening, I've gotten angry that I have to make dinner early as we have weekly obligations to run to and as I lay my head on my pillow that night, I cry. I turn my face into my pillow and beg God to reveal what went wrong. One thing about a prayer like that is, if we're open, He answers quickly. I quietly weep and He gently shows me where I went astray. Not that spontaneity, as I shared about yesterday was the problem, not that dropping everything for a friend in need was either, but it was the deference from my goals and ground rules that stole my peace and joy. 

 

I've been at this home educating thing long enough to know exactly what my children need, what I need and how to make things flow smoothly in our home. Children love boundaries, they love schedules and routine and they flourish in predictable days. They also love spontaneous moms who are flexible and not so tied to rules and schedules that they can't break them... once in awhile. With this knowledge, I set goals for myself and for them at the beginning of each year. I write up schedules for each of them and ask my husband, a couple close friends and sisters to hold me accountable. But when I don't want to leave the warmth of my bed or have my feet to hit the cold floor early in the morning, when I don't meet with the One who encourages me, speaks to me and sends me lovingly into my day, I might flounder.

 

  

 

When I look back over the years, I can see the mercy of God, despite the odd bad day. My children are all reading, they can quote Scripture and poetry. They're all moving forward in math at a good pace. They have a love for books and being read to. My openness about my day to day struggle to get myself and my children motivated is not to put myself down or to give the impression that every day is a failure. Instead, my desire is to encourage homeschool parents that although we all have less than productive days, our children will learn as we work to correct and change those moments into life lessons, apologies and the catalyst to get "back in the saddle" without delay.

So, what does a great day look like around here? Mommy gets up early, communes with her Creator, realizes she can't do it alone, throws a load of laundry in, cracks some eggs in a pan, hugs each child as they wake, encourages them in their chores, and meets them in the school area to begin on time. Ah, the good life! Every one of us loves a day that begins as such. Even when Oliver doesn't want to read another page, when Molly wants to finish her art instead of begin history, when Emily would rather wrestle with Oliver, when Meghan is dying to FaceTime a friend, I can rally them and bring them back into focus quickly because we began well. Children really do want to be smart, they want to succeed and they are often happy to please when they understand what it's all for in the first place. I can offer them a good education when I'm prepared and I have begun well myself. 

If you nod your head with me that you also have moments (or full days) when things just don't go the way you'd planned, might I be the inspiration to keep you diligent? Let's stay focused and teach them well in 2014!

 

Trapped In Time

Are you waiting for something? Have you heard and read so many times to wait patiently, that God's timing is perfect? Sometimes it's so difficult to believe, isn't it? That He hasn't forgotten you? That He really is working out all things for your good? Try to imagine it this way, God transcends time. He is not governed by it. The end is as clear to Him as the beginning. He reads each moment as a whole and not as segments or a succession of time slots, as we do. He is and He always was. Your life to Him is one moment and yet He's to intimately involved with you every second. This is so hard for us to fathom but, since He is not bound by time, nor by "hindsight", your prayer is as much a part of your future as it is your past. He knows what you need and He's already provided it in the future. We wish we could see it all, as He does, but what we can do is rest in knowing that the prayer is already answered. Our best is already up ahead of us; we are trapped in time. Praise God that His love has already saved and provided for our future. Rest in this today.