Open-Adoption Love

She assured me the baby could say, "Ma-ma," so we worked really hard to get her to say it again for the video. I scooted in close to her highchair and that beautiful adoptive-momma and I leaned over her, me with iPhone in hand, encouraging new words from Julie's eight month-old girl. We elicited smiles and coos and yes, even a "Ma-ma" Then I realized I hadn't flipped from photo to video on my camera and we laughed ourselves silly over how both of us are techy-challenged. We ate from the salad bar of the quaint Dutch Mill and then attempted another video.

 

That gorgeous, dark-skinned, little one put on her show for us and babbled and bubbled all on my now-turned-on video screen. Adoptive-mom, Alicia, gushed over her daughter, cheering on each chattery sound, "Say, Mama," Alexandria! Say hi to Momma-Julie!" Allie babbled more and Alicia sweetly roused, "What else do you want to say to Momma-Julie? Come on, what else?"

 

I shot a quick peek from my screen to Alicia, and internally noted yet another moment of wisdom from this new mother. My husband and I had fasted and prayed and sensed that this baby was not to be ours and Julie had felt peace with that. The Lord led her to exactly the couple He had chosen. Every time I see them together, I perceive God's plan so much clearer. And now, here was this  woman sacrificially and lovingly sharing her child's first precious word with the birth-mom. Would I have been so accommodating, so giving and kind? I think I would have wrapped that baby in my arms, twisted around and wished away a birth-mom's consistent presence.

I gazed at Allie, who was now banging the highchair with chubby hands, while Alicia giggled at her beloved human gift. I ended the video that I had been creating for Julie and again God whispered in my spirit that His plan was perfect. I was to remain connected to spunky, quirky, loveable birth-mom as a mentor and friend and this prudent woman would raise her baby. I hugged Alicia and Allie goodbye in the parking lot and texted Julie to watch for a soon-coming video.

 

The sun sparkled on the snow as I drove home that day and I pondered the lesson God was teaching me that I would never have fathomed in my own limited experience. I had based all my reasoning on the culture's norm in these situations and not by His great love. Of course the Father's limitless love would intend for the inclusion of birth-mom and adoptive-mom lavishing affection on a child in harmony! If it's as beautiful a story as this one, of course! I'm astounded by how obvious this is, now that I witness Alicia's willingness to include Julie in Alexandria's life. Furthermore, she welcomes her knowing Allie's future questions are better answered with her birth-mom available. I remembered the photo I took of Julie that Alicia had developed and framed in Alexandria's nursery. I stood amazed then too.

 

All things work together for good for those who love the Lord. I am still learning, but I know I've become a better momma because of this entire experience. I believe healthy boundaries are important, but God reveals those in each individual, open, partially-open and closed adoptions. At this time in my life, though, I am fully aware He wanted me to comprehend openness so I could understand His all-encompassing love. He adopted me! I'm so grateful Alicia and her husband are teaching me so I don't have to experience a painful lesson or hurt a precious birth-mom in my selfishness. Although we are not pursuing adoption at this time, I glorify God for people who live in a way that demonstrates the Father's love.

 

 

 

 

Day Twenty: Patience In Homeschooling

"I'm going straight into that principal's office tomorrow and signing you up immediately! If you're going to disrespect me as your teacher one more time, I will have no other choice. Try that at school and see what happens! They won't take kindly to all that mouthiness, I promise you!" I raged, looming over her with hands on my hips.

 

My girl stood with big brown eyes like saucers, confounded by the sight before her. She was suddenly quiet as she gazed upon her mother having the same tantrum she had just displayed. Her shoulders slumped and she looked down at the floor. "I don't want to go to school, Mommy," she cried.

 

My muscles loosened and I sighed. In that moment, I realized I had lost my patience over a ready bomb that could have been deactivated in a much different way. Shame crept over me as every moment I had lost my cool raced through my mind. I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her. "I love teaching you, Babe, I really do. I just want you to remember to honour Mommy, as the Bible says, and obey the rules of our homeschool. Will you forgive me for being so impatient?" Through her tears she gazed up at me, still frowning.

 

"Okay (sniff)." And she buried her head in my sweater.

 

Patience is a daily request I make to the Lord. But because His Spirit is resident in me, and He is all-patient, I have the ability to exhibit patience to my children. I am not helpless. I am not left without a way out of the temptation to lose it. (I Corinthians 10:13) I am responsible, and capable, to obey and be long-suffering as Jesus exemplified. He said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." (John 14:15, 16) Thankfully, when I fail, the Holy Spirit rescues me every time as He is my "Helper". He knows my heart and that I desperately desire to raise my children experiencing this beautiful fruit of the Spirit in me. I want a soft answer to be so normal in our home that they are surprised when they see impatient behaviour. (Proverbs 15:1) I know that my greatest weapon against impatience is communing daily with the Giver of this fruit. (Psalm 27--amazing! Galatians 5:25) I see such a difference in my responses to my children and husband when I do.

 

 

After posting yesterday's writing about roadblocks to homeschooling, I thought about how impatience is likely the next biggest concern for mothers. They fear they won't have enough patience to deal with their children by educating them and being with them all day long. Well, they're absolutely correct--they won't, and I don't either. However, just as we rely on God to provide financially and to turn the hearts of our husbands, we trust that if He's leading us to this calling, He'll provide the patience when we ask. It doesn't mean we won't make mistakes, but we will grow in Him and get a little closer to the way His Son lived and was an example for us. Psalm 103 speaks of God's great long-suffering with us and that He doesn't punish us according to what we deserve. Since patience is directly related to mercy and we have been shown unfathomable mercy in our lives, we remind ourselves that we must have mercy on our children when they are behaving or learning in way that is frustrating to us. We have the ability to have patience in our homeschooling when God is the One who leads us.

 

 

Gratitude:

 

1514. for the unbelievable mercy God grants me each day

1515. the news Linda received that the plate in her head will be operated on to be fixed

1516. that Kim began her treatments and is on the road to healing (believing!)

1517. for another birthday for my two January kiddos!

1518. for a continued love of homeschooling even in our eighth year

1519. for the readers of this blog who let me know once in awhile that they're "tuned in"--thank you!

1520. how gratitude really does change hearts and minds and bring joy to your life

1521. for intimate conversations with my big girl
1522. how he often says out of the blue, "I love you, Mommy."

 

 

In Quietness and Trust...

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

'In repentance and rest is your salvation,

    in quietness and trust is your strength,

    but you would have none of it.'...

Therefore the Lord awaits to be gracious to you,

and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you.

For the Lord is a God of justice;

blessed are all those who wait for Him."

(Isaiah 30:15, 18)

 

As we are to compare ourselves to Israel, God's chosen people, we can know that this promise is for us too. I don't ever want Him to say that I would have none of it. And so, we ventured once again to Kingfisher Bay for some of that quiet time (since sometimes home isn't so silent :) and discovered trust really is strength.

I grappled with a lot that weekend. My mouth is not always my best feature. Have you ever been caught in words that hurt another person? Sometimes, what I want to say and what actually comes out are two very different things. Oh how ugly I felt every time I walked by a mirror! I'm so thankful that after an intense moment of accountability, my lovely friend forgave me. The Lord disciplines those He loves and, my goodness, He must love me a lot! I'm grateful He doesn't let me get away with too much before it's exposed. Where would I be if it were any different? I shudder at the thought. Most importantly, I walk without shame because I've repented and I'm covered by His blood. Praise God.

 

(Loved spending time with my cousin Lisa, Mom and Aunt Diane this time!)

 

Nearly A Century Of Wisdom

She's a small, sweet package, but don't let her size fool you. She's a hero to her family and an example to her church community. This gentle woman who has worked hard her whole life, embracing her family and her role as wife and business owner is still as sharp as ever. She embodies the Proverbs 31 woman and if you've never read about her, turn to that place in your Bible.  Oma's photo appears in my mind as I peruse this chapter. We celebrated her ninety-ninth birthday as a family and as the slides of her life and offspring scrolled by on the large screen, I prayed I'd glean from her wisdom. 

Oma, we, your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren "rise up and called you blessed". You are a quiet example of God's grace and your legacy of love is what draws us together year after year. We honour you and pray God's richest blessings upon you. Happy 99th birthday and may it be your best year yet!

Singing a song for Oma :)

Moved By History

She re-reads the last sentence slowly and wipes her nose. Lowering the book, she meets my gaze and is reassured that I am also aching with sympathy for the main character of the book she's reading to me. Meg was drowing in sorrow over Elli Friedmann's plight and so, with a quiver in her voice, she began to narrate how Elli dragged her wounded mother and brother off the train while the Germans shot at them and their companions. Too much for the young girl in this true story to deal with, too much for Meghan, and apparently, too much for me.

My daughter and I sit across from each other and the two of us quietly weep as Meghan continues. She's taken my place, today, as out-loud-reader and it seems natural. We connect not only with like emotion but also with an understanding that we're both grappling with this senseless evil and can't do anything but cry. She's grown up enough to share this moment with me and I recognize that she has the potential to change the world with her anger against injustice and to live out Jesus' command to help set captives free with the love of God. It's why He sent His Son.

She gathers the strength to deliver the final chapter and I silently pray she'll see beyond prevailing entitlement of North American culture and desire to be more, to do what she's been called to do. She's being moved by history and God has created her to be stirred in this way.

He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Running

I'm running again--running errands, through the city, around the house, to appointments, sometimes for nothing. I can barely hear His whisper when I'm running but between sliding my debit card and sliding into the van one more time, I sense His presence. He's calling to me, calling for my running to turn toward Him. I recognize that sense. It always sweeps in and settles over me like a dove landing gently and I ponder all the way home how I'm going to find the time to run toward Him. Actually, if I'm honest, it's not time I need, it's priority shifting.

I turn up the road that leads home and I long to run to Him. I know the fulfillment when I open my arms to Him in the morning and embrace His goals for me. I've known what happens when I do; He changes my plans, my running, my direction. He reminds me I'm running aimlessly at times and that it's okay to stop. He shows me what's unnecessary so I don't have to worry that I'm not completing what's important.

Lord, I'm coming home to You.

Till We Meet In Heaven One Day

Periwinkle trumpets gently beckon me to gaze heavenward, as they do at this time each year. In recent years, I've been surprised by them as the thoughts of our baby have become less frequent. We planted these Rose Of Sharon bushes in memory of the little one we miscarried at 16.5 weeks and they've reached toward their Maker ever since.

We know we will see our child again one day because he/she was designed by God and "knit together" by Him (Psalm 139:13). He knew the number of our baby's days and although our dreams were for his/her future here on earth, our tiny one really does belong to the Lord. What a hope we have that because we are His too, we'll be reunited again. That hope has taken the sting out of the pain.

Gratitude:
1237. hope that comforts all longing
1238. safe traveling on our vacation
1239. the beauty of the rain forest
1240. brilliant blue morpho butterflies
1241. scarlet macaws and how they mate for life
1242. reuniting with our children
1243. tubing down crashing rapids
1244. connecting with our Costa Rican staff in a personal way
1245. desperately needed downpours yesterday--praise God!
1246. Mom is home and recovering well
1247. prayers that never ceased from family and friends for her
1248. Hilary, Holly, Annie and Leanne who all cared so lovingly for my children while we were away
1249. how my camera still works fairly well after it was dropped twice :(
1250. celebrating 18 years of marriage!
1251. how Meg noticed that I wrote this post on Mama's birthday (perhaps she's worshipping Jesus right now with our baby? what a picture!)

Your Perspective Is Everything

They had been noticing how the hawk always sat perched upon the cross of our church steeple, and so my pastor and his wife watched thoughtfully one day. The idea came to Patricia that our perspective is always clearer from the cross and she mentioned the profoundness of it to her husband. A sermon was born in that moment.

Since Pastor Mills was unable to get a photo of the bird, he had his assistant find one on the Internet for him and he placed it on the large screen one Sunday for all of us to see. He quoted his wife and preached how different life looks when we view it through what Jesus did for us on the cross. It was powerful.
I was determined to see that bird in order to etch the idea in my mind for good.

One evening, a couple weeks later, I rounded the corner to the church to take my children to their rehearsal. One of them pointed and exclaimed, "Mommy, look, the hawk is on the cross right now!"

I was quite excited since I had my camera in the van with me. I pulled my vehicle in a good location and opened my door. Climbing onto the edge of the running board, I held my camera up and took a shot. Just as I did, a second hawk landed beside the first. My children cheered and I began to picture the collage of photos. What a beautiful scene the Lord had set for me to photograph. The sky was illuminated with sunset's glow, edging the clouds and now a second bird?The kids ran into the church and I left during their practice. When I returned, the second hawk had disappeared and I travelled around the church, shooting different angles. I so desired to capture that lone hawk in flight! I held my camera up for quite some time and it wouldn't move. I silently prayed, Lord, this is Your bird. Please call to it and make it fly. I felt a little silly asking such a request but why not? Immediately, the hawk fluffed up it's wings and flew away. I praised God! How fun :)

I was able to create a framed collage for Pastor Mills and Patricia to show them how inspired I was by the truth of these words. And as I read Ann Voskamp's post for today, I am reminded once again that joy is always possible because, "Joy is the fruit of gratitude. And gratitude is rooted in perspective."

Gratitude:

1216. moments in creation that take my breath away
1217. the joy of being able to capture this gift to give it away
1218. that it truly is possible to have joy, no matter what my circumstance is, if I only have gratitude
1219. that there truly is always something to be grateful for
1220. although it's been a couple of weeks of entitlement and spoiled children, they just might be catching onto the gratitude thing
1221. how they're all reading incessantly
1222. how she feels her ILS class is making her so much smarter
1223. how my non-reader now wants the fattest of books just so she can say she's read them :)
1224. how I'm running out of spare change for hot chocolate dates with my readers who've completed their books
1225. the way she sweeps onto the stage in the Wizard of Oz play and blows us away with her confidence
1226. the way my other girl memorized her lines immediately
1227. the way she uses her dancing skills on the stage as the Cowardly Lion
1228. the way he keeps asking me, "We're just doing this for fun, right, Mommy?"
1229. how I said I didn't want to join this play this year and how God just brings details together so that we remain connected to people I believe He wants to our lives
1230. more items wrapping up for the school year
1231. how my sister-in-law had a tumor removed this week from her brain and continues to joke about getting her hair shampoo'd
1232. how her spirit is beginning to enliven again
1233. the success of the surgery
1234. how family rallies around when they're most needed
1235. the forgiveness and grace of a friend I messed up with (the tongue is unruly, I tell you!)
1236. the way he loves his new model airplane (that would be my BIG boy)