Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Receiving Freedom

The rain is falling hard and my head is pounding. It's been several days of rain here and as it trickles or pours, it puddles and drains, puddles and drains. I squeeze my eyes tight and open. The burning from countless tears today blurs my vision as I write. So much to ponder and yet I read today, don't be so introspective that you get lost in your own self-made despair. You see, the enemy had me convinced again that I am a failure, that I'll never measure up and be the mother these babes need, let alone the wife I should be. I counsel friends who drift down the same deceptive path. I warn them it's laden with lies and that they must lean on God's truths. But I find myself slipping ever so slowly... until I land hard at the bottom of the pit of low self-worth.

I called my sister, weeping and could barely get the words out--that I felt like the worst mother. She tried to decipher my squeaks and when she finally grasped my words she said, "Oh, thank goodness that's all! I thought something terrible was going on!"

I sobbed, "What could be more terrible than being a bad mother?"

The usual joy-filled conversation with my sister took an ugly turn and I couldn't get a hold of myself. She began to speak words of life over me and fill my heart and mind with the truth once again.

"But God has to fix me!" I groaned, hating the sound of my voice uttering something I knew was foolish.

Minutes passed as she lavished me with her baby-sister-wisdom and although I initially fought against the simplistic beauty of her encouragement, I began to open myself to receive what she was offering. She said, "What if He already has? What if it's done and He's telling you to go with the wisdom He's granted to use for your daily living?"

I held my breath for a moment. Then Holy Spirit flooded in and I saw Jesus emerging from that tomb and oh what His resurrection affords! After a week of sharing with friends, giving similar advice, and teaching Bible Study with these very keys, I sank into my chair and into the Father's arms of love. I had been busy--busy sharing Him without sitting with Him. I had been open to attack and it came on sudden and strong. But with His rising from the dead, freedom comes from that and whom the Son sets free is free indeed!

Tonight I type words and deal with stinging eyes and swollenness that come after the crazy sobs and I breathe deeply. The peace that passes all understanding has settled in me and I feel each muscle relax. I post photos of my babes and soak up each detail of their preciousness. I speak aloud, "You have made me their mother and I am worthy because I am Yours. You are moving me in Your timing and I yield to Your will and Your way, Lord. Only You can make me who You want me to be. I don't want to be any more or any less."

"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." I Thessalonians 5:24


Sandee Glo said...

How is it that we have these lives that are so similar. My eyes are feeling the same emotion! Mothering through the smiles and the tears makes us real!
praying for you!

Camille said...

Praying for you tonight my friend.

Camille (Psalm 46)

Katie said...

Monday was my day for this. I felt like everything was falling apart, again today, and today I took myself and my kiddos and we went out for lunch, bought some groceries at the dutch store and did nothing at home, and it felt wonderful. Thank you for your honest heart and sharing, I love you! You're amazing and God has blessed you with such a gift for being there for others, but don't forget to let HIM be there for you xo

Brandee Shafer said...

xoxo (great post)

The Maretzki Family said...

I know I'm not a mother (yet ;), but I can relate to that as a big sister to six other kids! Sometimes I feel that way, that I'm not being a good enough big sister, just a big bully.

Thanks for this post today. It REALLY encouraged me!


Anonymous said...

I think every mother will relate to this post, but not enough of us are sharing our own times of discouragement - so thank you for your honest and open heart. It gives us all an opportunity to pray together and for each other - what can be better then that?
xoxo Sarah

Heather said...

I was reading your post and thinking about how my day was some ways. I had a pounding headache all day too.
Heather, you are an amazing mother and wife. Your children are an example of this. Stay encouraged my friend, love you.
Heather 1

jeana said...

Oh friend! I often feel this way. I'm so thankful that you have a sister to encourage you, and a Father that leads you and gives rest. Prayers for you.


Jolanna said...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Loved your raw, honest post Heather! I have been where you are. Praying that God will guard your heart and mind from any negative thoughts. You are an excellent mama! xoxo

Heather@Cultivated Lives said...

I have those days too. ...and I'm usually calling my sister. It is amazing how powerful those feelings can be that they are overwhelming when at the same time, we recognize that it is the enemy tempting us to dispair.

I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit uses the faithful encouragement of friends to point us back to Him, the source of all strength, comfort and guidance.

Danelle said...

We all feel this way sometimes. In our time of sadness only His peace lifts us up. . we cling to Him. Being a momma is hard word. He always picks us up. You are right. You were chosen specifically for the babies that you are mothering and He is faithful to show you the path. No one is perfect.
Prayers to you.
Came over from Ann's blog today.
Thanks for writing with transparency about a mom's heart.

Lorraine Walker said...

I don't know if it's a girl thing or just that as Christians we can more clearly see the ways in which we don't measure up... I find the same feelings myself Heather, whether it's in my job or relationships or family. Thanks for being so open and expressing your journey so blessed me today by being you (as you usually do!). Praying for you and thanking God for you today!

M.Christine Duncan said...

Never think you're the only one doing this Heather... my most recent "desperate cry and foolish rant" of note was only a couple weeks ago, and despite my weak moment, God's always faithful to let me pour it all out through my tears till I'm empty enough to be filled with something better. And hands down, the Holy Spirit is always better :) Love ya m'dear, keep pressing on and loving Him!

Heather said...

Thank you, dear friends, for all of your encouragement. I praise God for each of you. As I walk through the waters and through the flame, HE is there and YOU are there. I love how the Lord uses my sisters-in-Christ to lift my burden.

Love, Heather