The rain is falling hard and my head is pounding. It's been several days of rain here and as it trickles or pours, it puddles and drains, puddles and drains. I squeeze my eyes tight and open. The burning from countless tears today blurs my vision as I write. So much to ponder and yet I read today, don't be so introspective that you get lost in your own self-made despair. You see, the enemy had me convinced again that I am a failure, that I'll never measure up and be the mother these babes need, let alone the wife I should be. I counsel friends who drift down the same deceptive path. I warn them it's laden with lies and that they must lean on God's truths. But I find myself slipping ever so slowly... until I land hard at the bottom of the pit of low self-worth.
I called my sister, weeping and could barely get the words out--that I felt like the worst mother. She tried to decipher my squeaks and when she finally grasped my words she said, "Oh, thank goodness that's all! I thought something terrible was going on!"
I sobbed, "What could be more terrible than being a bad mother?"
The usual joy-filled conversation with my sister took an ugly turn and I couldn't get a hold of myself. She began to speak words of life over me and fill my heart and mind with the truth once again.
"But God has to fix me!" I groaned, hating the sound of my voice uttering something I knew was foolish.
Minutes passed as she lavished me with her baby-sister-wisdom and although I initially fought against the simplistic beauty of her encouragement, I began to open myself to receive what she was offering. She said, "What if He already has? What if it's done and He's telling you to go with the wisdom He's granted to use for your daily living?"
I held my breath for a moment. Then Holy Spirit flooded in and I saw Jesus emerging from that tomb and oh what His resurrection affords! After a week of sharing with friends, giving similar advice, and teaching Bible Study with these very keys, I sank into my chair and into the Father's arms of love. I had been busy--busy sharing Him without sitting with Him. I had been open to attack and it came on sudden and strong. But with His rising from the dead, freedom comes from that and whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
Tonight I type words and deal with stinging eyes and swollenness that come after the crazy sobs and I breathe deeply. The peace that passes all understanding has settled in me and I feel each muscle relax. I post photos of my babes and soak up each detail of their preciousness. I speak aloud, "You have made me their mother and I am worthy because I am Yours. You are moving me in Your timing and I yield to Your will and Your way, Lord. Only You can make me who You want me to be. I don't want to be any more or any less."
"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." I Thessalonians 5:24