My Stubborn Heart

Oh, the anguish and struggle I can put myself through, spiraling, spiraling ever downward. Wondering, waiting, wringing my hands and searching for meaning in it all. Why do I create such chaos from circumstance? Why do I wallow when it's the wallowing that hurts? I stand on the shore, blocked by a barricade of rocks, staring out at the freedom that could be mine--simply by trusting. Such a stubborn heart I have... it has not helped me yet. Why lean on it now?

But, He calls to me.

Hear O My people, and I will admonish you! O Israel, if you will listen to Me! ...I am the Lord your God... open your mouth wide and I will fill it. But My people would not heed My voice, and Israel would have none of Me. So I gave them over to their stubborn heart, to walk in their own counsels. Oh, that My people would listen to Me, that Israel would walk in My ways! I would soon subdue their enemies, and turn My hand against their adversaries. Psalm 81:8-16

Oh God, help me to read and LISTEN! Don't give me over to my stubborn heart. I want to walk in YOUR counsel, not my own. I get nowhere on my own. You offer peace, joy and all good things. I want YOUR way. I CHOOSE it today.

What More Do I Need?

The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Rose-Coloured Glasses?

I read this little survey in a friend's blog book today (http://carmodyadopt.blogspot.com/) and thought it would be interesting to find out how my children view me as their Mommy. Since I've turned thirty-eight, I've been evaluating my life and asking the Lord to show me what is good and what must go. Why not get my children's opinions on what they think a Mommy should be, too? I took each one of them aside and privately asked them the questions. I wasn't quite expecting some of their answers.

1. Why did God make Mommies?

Meghan said, "To take care of the kids."

Molly said, "For kids."

Emily said, "Because kids can't be on earth by their-selves."

Oliver said, "Because God made all things." (good catechism answer :)

2. How did God make Mommies?

Meghan said, "By mothers."

Molly said, "From man's blood."

Emily said, "That's a silly question. He put bones in them."

Oliver said, "For man's glory." (unbelievable)

3. What ingredients are Mommies made of?

Meghan said,"DNA."

Molly said, "Blood, veins, muscles, bones and jaws."

Emily said, "Ribs."

Oliver said, "Bones and elbows."

4. Why did God give you your Mommy instead of some other Mommy?

Meghan said, "Because He thinks THAT mom is good for THAT kid."

Molly said, "Because other people are not strong enough." (amen)

Emily said, "Because some is bad."

Oliver said, "Because you want to be. I like you. I like THAT mommy." (me :)

5. What kind of little girl was your Mommy?

Meghan said, "Rambunctious."

Molly said, "A helpful one."

Emily said, "A baby."

Oliver said, "Really little and WE weren't. We were humongoust."

6. What did your Mommy need to know about your Daddy before she married him?

Meghan said, "That he wanted everything to be clean."

Molly said, "If he's a Christian."

Emily said, "That you cannot marry him. Impossible, of course!" (?)

Oliver said, "I don't know." (This will be important to you one day, Little Man.)

7. Why did your Mommy marry your Daddy?

Meghan said, "Because she loved him."

Molly said, "Because they were friends."

Emily said, "Because if you don't get married, you won't be a mommy!"

Oliver said, "Because you don't want to be sick." (LOL!)

8. Who's the boss at your house?

Meghan said, "Daddy... (pause)... actually, Mommy." (If you only knew :)

Molly said, "Mommy."

Emily said, "The parents."

Oliver said, "Mommy and Daddy."

9. What's the difference between Mommies and Daddies?

Meghan said,"Different genders. Dads do different things."

Molly said, "They are boys and girls. They talk different."

Emily said, "He's a boy and you're a girl." (she really felt these were all quite silly questions)

Oliver said, "He likes boys and you like girls."

10. What does Mommy like to do in her spare time?

Meghan said, "Computer."

Molly said, "Computer."

Emily said, "Read."

Oliver said,"You like to play cars and you like to play with me." (yes, Buddy, I do!)

11.What would it take to make your Mommy perfect?

Meghan said, "Be more strict." (okay, then!)

Molly said, "Praying." (I think she meant, "only prayer" LOL!)

Emily said, "Put makeup on." (my honest girl)

Oliver said, "You should play with me. Do you want to play with me, Mommy?"

12. If there was one thing you could change about your Mommy, what would it be?

Meghan said, "That she is more strict." (seriously?)

Molly said, "You going to stores so much." (she often has to stay home when I'm out)

Emily said, "The dots on your face." (Emily, I hope then, that you don't inherit my freckles!'

Oliver said, "You should be a daddy and Daddy should be a mommy. I want to trade." (some days I do too, Babe.)

Well, that about wraps it up. Me in a nutshell, I suppose. Isn't it good to see yourself through your children's eyes? No rose-coloured glasses there, just pure, honest opinion :)

Bedtime Calling

It's eight p.m. and Oliver is calling to me from his bed saying, "I just NEED to clean the van, Mommy. Can I go out to the garage right now? Mommy? I NEED to wash the wheels! Please, Mommy?"

I respond by saying, "Tomorrow you may. Now go to sleep."

He says, "Okay, but don't say maybe tomorrow."

Where on earth do these ideas come from at this hour? :)

Worshiping Through Dance (and... My Eleven Year-Old Teacher)

She wrote a letter inviting little girls between the ages of six and nine to join her six week dance class. She stated that it would be a dance of worship and praise to God and that the music would reflect that. The response was a resounding yes and she was elated! Meghan set about ordering these sweet t-shirts for the girls, choreographing the song and preparing herself for that first Saturday. Her students arrived, eager to learn and quite excitable :)

Meghan began with prayer and handed out the shirts. She told the girls the name of her group is "Sparkle On The Inside And Out Dance Group".

They did some warm ups and then she began to teach them the ballet/lyrical moves to the song.

In starting position. Three more girls come next week and these ones will teach them what they know. After that, Meghan will get pickier about their positioning and movements.

Waving back and forth, following their teacher.

A proud girl smiles at how beautifully it all came together. One little girl said to her mom at the end, "Meghan's not a good teacher... she's a very, very good teacher!" :)

The song the girls are dancing to is here...
http://www.purenrgonline.com/
(click on song #6 When I Call On Jesus)


And Meghan's favourite verse is:
1 Timothy 4:12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

Say A Prayer

We were gathered around the living room for bedtime prayers tonight. She splayed herself over the arm of the sofa, raised jammies revealing belly button. She is not the cross-legged kind with hands folded, head bowed, but she has a personal relationship with her Creator and I'm not always concerned about her posture. She's sincere in her prayers and very thoughtful; in fact, I think she concentrates better when she's comfortably strewn. I learn from her communication with the Holy One and tonight went something like this.

Dear Lord, thank You for this day. Thank You for all the good things that we got to do. Please help me to eat better and to be a better speller. And Lord, I know it's possible to make me taller than Meghan when I grow up because Auntie Hilary is taller than Mommy. Could You please make sure this happens? In Jesus' Name, Amen.

As our children grow in their prayer lives and learn to worship with supplication, I believe there's room for their heart's desire. Thankfully, we have a God who sympathizes with us... even when we're short :)

Musings For The Season

Autumn is gently rolling in and our nursery wears the last of her summer garb. September brings so many beginnings; school, dance, choir, theatre, piano, Friendship Club, and more. I always have mixed feelings at this time of year. I mourn the loss of my favourite season and yet, I'm excited for what a new season brings.

Pilates is a beginning for me and this week as I stood in a "relaxed position" listening to the instructor describe the intricacies of our muscles, ligaments and bone structures, I welled up with tears. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of how our bodies were created. The words, fearfully and wonderfully made, waved through my mind over and over. With only four students in this intimate class, it was difficult to hide my emotions but I thought I should spare them at least another week :) Perhaps the day will come when I'll be able to share with these women who their Divine Creator is... unless they already know... we shall see.

Coming back to the "homeschool table", has also brought an intimacy that seemed to evade us with busy summer activities. I sit in a front row seat to the conversations of my children when we're all working closely. The amusement I have found as their audience gives me many anecdotes for after-dinner conversations with my husband. For instance, the older girls were trying to explain something to Emily after she had made a mistake. She declared to them, "I KNOW! I know everything!" They let it go as it was obvious that she was closed to learning the lesson. A few seconds later I felt a tug on my arm and Emily cupped her five year-old hand around my ear. I felt her warm breath as she whispered, "I don't really know everything (giggle) but I just said that."

Oh. :)

My son, likewise, has bewildered me with his brilliance. A few days ago, he very matter-of-factly stated that he knew exactly how to get rid of the monsters in his room. Wow! All three girls went through a stage where they believed there were monsters in their rooms, usually lurking somewhere on the wall or in a closet. They would often beg my husband and I to come and pray and then smoosh them all. We always told them that they didn't need to be afraid because their God is so much bigger and can defeat their enemies through prayer and praise. But my boy, well, he had quite confidently licked those stinkers all on his own!

I wondered how he had conquered the beasts he had lately grown to fear and so I asked him. I wish I had taken video footage to share with you the utterly vicious detail that ensued. With a twisted up face, he described the battle to me and it included a lot of nail scratching and clawing and just "getting that bad guy!" and "He won't be coming back anymore."

When he was done narrating, he grinned from ear to ear, waiting for my support for his victory. I grabbed my little warrior and squeezed him tight. I lavished my praises and pride on him and he soaked it up like a true soldier returning from a hard-fought battle. We talked about where his strength comes from, who the Super-hero is behind the powers of a boy-soldier. He agreed.

I was awestruck by the chasm of this gender difference in our family. It's wonderful.

So, while my oldest decides with me whether to keep her Language Arts program or switch to a new one, and my second daughter sharpens her fifth pencil before ten a.m., and my two little ones beg for a large fort to be built amongst our schoolwork, I muster patience, complain a little to my husband, and pray for courage for this year. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I repeat to myself and... I believe this is what He's asking of me in this season. I choose love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and welcome a new season.

Rosy Cheeks and A Sore Hand--A Teacher's Dream

Today is officially the first day of school for some, but we began last week because my children begged to begin. That thrilled my heart! I must be doing something right, I thought. Well, it's a good thing humility is a godly quality because today was a little bit of a nightmare. There were tears... oh, the tears! I almost cried a few myself but because we're working on the fruits of the Spirit, I tried to exercise self-control :) We'll get it together, we always do... with God's help... but it will take some getting back into the routine, I do believe. Nevertheless, we enjoyed some precious moments last week.

drawing self-portraits

matching colour words

ordering numbers
(which, Oliver says, must be punched every time you place one down :)


But my favourite moment had to be watching Molly write her story. When she was ready to read her epic novel to me, her cheeks were warm and rosy from feverishly scrawling all those imaginative thoughts onto paper. She complained, with a big smile, that her hand hurt from writing--a teacher's dream... sigh.

reading her rough draft to me

making changes

typing up a good copy

May God bless your school year and grant you many wonderful and successful ideas, favour with your children and patience.

Painting Love-Prints

Out in the warm breeze of summer, six little cousins painted their favourite things upon a paper canvas unfurled.

They found interesting things around the yard to paint with as well.

They worked quietly and eagerly and excitedly called their Auntie ("Mommy" to a few) over to peruse now and then.

A long line of children happily working together made the Auntie's heart sing.

The journey is often more important than the finished product so when things got a little silly at the end, paint spattered and water was spilled and their masterpieces were no longer frame-able.

They didn't seem to mind.

Children painted each other and walked on hands and feet to make body prints on the long canvas.

And, they left a love-print on their Auntie's heart.

One Thousand Gifts

With much gratitude, I praise God for my beautiful mother, who has always lifted me up when I was down, prayed me through tough times, inspired me to strive to be all that God has purposed for me, and affectionately loved me. May the Lord bless you abundantly, Mom, as you celebrate your birthday. (#445 of thankfulness toward 1000 Gifts... click here to count along with me and many others.)

446. for a Papa who plays

447. for little twin nephews who are lovable and energetic

448. for the fact that these boys were born in the same year as my son

449. for an inspiring, adorable sister and brother-in-law, who teach us what marriage is all about

450. for an impromptu family photo that my husband requested (!) since we were all in our Sunday clothes

451. for a daughter who always sees what can be done and does it (raking here)

452. for a boy who is amused by the simplest of things

453. for fall clothing, especially patterned knee socks and tights

454. for wrestling cousins


455. for a girl who loves her Daddy

Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

A Piece Of The Puzzle

Seventeen years ago next week, a boy took a broken but idealistic girl on a ferry ride away from the city to the little island that was "theirs". He toted a sleeping bag and a roll of toilet paper (because he said she always had to "go" at the most inopportune moments). She wondered if this was the night and after a long evening with many nervous gestures and a beautiful love letter, he proposed. She was giddy and didn't know what to say as they snuggled on that sleeping bag at the cool water's edge, watching the lights twinkle from the CN Tower. He flipped her over, sat on her and demanded an answer. She laughed and laughed and when he slid on the ring, she said, yes! He wanted to soak up the mood of the evening and the romance of the location but with such a momentous event, the girl just had to get home to share the news.

Several years later, the two of them sailed from that city again to the little island, this time with four little people who were born as evidence of their love. They wanted a quiet place away from the city and they found it there again. The couple shared their love story with their children at the water's edge, the one with the view of the CN Tower. The eldest was thoughtful, always curious about pieces of the heritage puzzle. The younger ones will hear it again and again so the couple will never forget themselves.

It would seem that the children loved the little island as well.

There have been many revisits to that place since he placed the hard-earned diamond on her finger, but none so sweet as with the ones who have completed their love. And with a tower looming above and the wind blowing their hair, they waved goodbye to the island that holds a little piece of their life's puzzle.