He stood over our bed, kissed me and I rolled over and snuggled deeper into the duvet.
"Isn't it 'Take-Your-Kids-To-Work Day'?" I moaned and peeked with one eye open at the digital clock. It was 6:44 a.m. and getting out of my warm burrow was inevitable.
My husband laughed and whispered, "See you at breakfast."
Breakfast means "around 11 a.m." because the math teacher, a.k.a. Daddy, likes to check in on the kids' work, especially math. He uses the short time he's home for meals to quickly teach a concept so the kids' can carry on in their weekly lessons. This morning, I was not up for having math completed by 11, or English, or... anything else. I pulled the blankets up over my head and promised myself that if I could just have ten more minutes, I'd cheerfully hop out of bed and dance my way into the day. But that didn't happen... and the rest of the morning was less than a dance.
Do you ever have those days when you don't like who you feel yourself becoming? I mean, those days when your intentions are good but that last blog post you wrote that sounded so diligent, and that friend you helped to get back on her feet, and that promise you made to your husband just strangely seem so unlike the person you're hearing in the sergeant's voice? I yelled for my son to get into the schoolroom for the fifth time and I forgot the laundry overnight and it started to smell. I impatiently brushed past a child who was trying to show me her new story and I answered the phone after 9 a.m.. Line all those deficiencies in a row and you've got a wall that seems impenetrable for change.
So, what do you do when you just don't want to homeschool? My sister thought of this topic for me to write about (knowing many moms can relate, I'm sure) and I exclaimed in a return text, "Yes! Good one!" But quickly texted her back, "Okay, now what? What's the answer?"
She texted her reply, "crazy man date".
What? Hmmm... perhaps she should go on a crazy date in order to get her energy back to homeschool? I wondered.
A few minutes later she returned with, "Sorry, typo. I meant, Christ's mandate."
Well, that makes more sense... I think :)
Essentially, that is key. But first, I need to sit and ponder for a moment why I am feeling this way. Is it lack of sleep? Is it poor time management that inescapably creates a day of chaos? Is it lack of quiet time with God? Do we need a change in routine? Do we need to maintain our routine better? Has disciplining the kids gotten away from me and I'm dreading the pandemonium that ensues as soon as one thing goes wrong? Have I not experienced enough adult time? Once I am able to pinpoint the source of the problem, I can begin to yield to God to give me some creative and practical ways to rescue our day and my attitude. I don't want guilt to be the motivation for getting up in the morning when God can give me joy!
Accountability for these areas that affect homeschooling is very important. Whether it's my spouse, my conscientious friend, or my children's needs, I must answer to someone so I don't slip into apathy and laziness. My heart desires to know what Jesus requires of me above all. He spoke so often of how to treat others. Ultimately, we are to share God's love and bring others to Christ (Matthew 28:15-20). Do I do that daily with my children? Am I even capable? Isn't that what got me in this mood in the first place--feeling like I can't do it, that I don't want to do it? Our pastor spoke this Sunday of Jesus' sermon on the mount and how it's impossible for us to live up to it completely but that it's a picture of who God is and an example for us as we walk this temporary journey called life. When I finally stop ranting and come to a place of introspection and softness to God's voice, I usually sense the Lord reminding me He's with me and will help me do this homeschooling thing, one day at a time. He never leaves me floundering (or under the covers) for too long.
The following Scriptures always encourage me that there is hope for my apathy, fear, frustration, and laziness--and they hold me accountable!
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12
Gregory Lang says, "Although saved, we remain imperfect people who continue to be tempted by our sinful nature. Do not take salvation for granted and act as though you are unchanged. Train yourself to be godly, obey the Word, and rise above your nature, demonstrating your renewal so that others may wish to follow your example. Obedience to God is the sign of your sheer delight and a joy-filled thankfulness for your salvation. Hold yourself accountable."